Mm. I can agree with that.

[ it's sort of the natural opposite of what the moonshade order wanted at home - the other extreme. a perfect world is a farce, and it would never stay perfect. ]

...Still. It sounds to me as if you've decided that you must carry this burden, whatever it is. Is it a form of self-punishment?

[ you cant just ask someone if they beat themselves up all the time emotionally ]